Working Mom Guilt

Taking care of 3 girls is very different than taking care of 2 girls. Over the past 2 years I have been a substitute nurse for Rockwall ISD, where Jeff works. It has been a great joy being able to work 1-2 days a week on an as needed basis. After the year was over I had talked with my boss about not coming back until January since I would be having a baby at the beginning of school. A few weeks into school I talked with one of the nurses I work for regularly and found out there are only 4 substitute nurses available in district. Since that time I had gotten several emails and a couple phone calls regarding working for a few different nurses. Feeling the need to help out, I took a job 1 1/2 weeks ago and thoroughly enjoyed being at school, surrounded by adults and kids who speak in full clear sentences most of the time. It was so great to be back working again. It was hard for me to imagine that I had left my 2 month old for a whole day already. When I started working 2 years ago, Rebekah was only 10 months old, but she was eating more solid foods. The idea that I was willing to leave my 2 month old behind 1 day a week kind of scare me.

I have a mental struggle going on in my head. It's hard to decide who's winning and where the statements are coming from. I fully understand that God has blessed our family with 3 lovely children who need attention and care and discipline and instruction to know what is right or wrong and why. I know that I have been charged with these blessings to raise them in the wisdom and instruction of the Lord. I also know that I go completely stir crazy sitting at home because I feel all I do on a daily basis is feed the kids and correct/guide them all day long. I really like how Michelle Duggar is so candid in their first book "The Duggars: 20 and Counting!" as she tells of times where she felt she went through her day doing nothing but correcting and disciplining her children. Well, I am right there. I know that if I am not consistent or am harder on one child than the other, they might resent me later in life. When you have an EXTREMELY stubborn child who has a hard time calming herself down, it makes life very difficult, especially when she throws a fit/gets into trouble while I'm nursing the baby.

Okay, so this mental struggle has 3 parts: 1)knowing I'm supposed to care for my kids as God has called me to do, 2)being completely frustrated, depressed and desperate to get away from my kids, and 3)wanting to work because I absolutely love what I do, even if I don't start IVs, give shots, save lives, or bring new ones into the world. I relish the days I get to work and the whole way home I become anxious to tell someone about the day I had. Even if I have a parent gripe for some unknown reason, work is still fantastic. Here enlies the GUILT! Because of reason 1, I feel SO guilty that I want to work. I think it helps my mood, my kids enjoy visiting with their grandparents, it keeps my brain working and thinking about things I was taught several years ago, and I get to talk to adults in the real world.

Even though I am involved in a Bible study and we go to church most Sundays, I don't really feel like I get to have real adult conversation about life. Most Sundays you say hi to people as you pass by and some might ask how you're doing, but most won't ask any follow up questions. I usually answer truthfully. "Okay" in my book isn't great or good, but it's also not terrible. If I answer "Fine" it's usually because I am "Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional" (taken from the new version of "The Italian Job." How many people will notice if I say something out of the ordinary.

Hopefully I can figure out what God is calling me to do soon. There are a few opportunities for me to find out how much I want to work and I hope we can figure out what is best for our family. The girls are getting bigger. Rachel just turned 4 and is so grown up. :( We went for a run this evening and had to make her go inside. I think we'll start her in soccer pretty soon. Rebekah is a terror, and when I say terror, I mean wild and crazy and into everything she's not supposed to be in. She can be very helpful and is growing up, but the child has a 6-pack! She's crazy strong and built like her mom! She's 2 1/2 and I feel every minute of it. Julia is 10 weeks/2 months old now. She's getting so big! She's tall like her biggest sister. She's in 6 month clothes and can wear some 9 month, but it's mostly because the cloth diapers take up extra room. Hopefully we will go to the doctor this week for our 4 year and 2 month check ups and we'll know more specifically how big these girls are!

A couple pictures for you!