Circles in my Head

I've stated on here before that I discovered the hard way that I'm a terrible writer and it's because all the thoughts in my head are a jumbled mess. Not only are my thoughts a jumbled mess, but things tend to go in circles in my head, like they are now when I want to go to sleep, but can't get the thoughts to stop. I will try very hard to make my thoughts go in a straight line.

I've been pondering for a long time how we (Jeff and I), as shy people can share the gospel of who Christ is and what He's done for the world. I very much want to shout at people and say, don't you understand who Christ is? Haven't you heard His name? How can you not believe? I say this as someone who's been in church from conception until now, with a brief 1 year withdrawal my freshman year in college. Since then I have learned more than I could have ever guessed. (back on topic) I don't understand how people, gentile and Jew, can miss the Deity of Christ or the fact that he is the Messiah Israel has been awaiting for far too long. It seems so easy a child can understand, which is the simple part of the gospel. I suppose that's why adults find it so difficult to fathom.

Continuing in my semi-straight line (FYI-I've never been able to draw or cut a straight line): I don't know that I have ever shared the gospel. Maybe I have and I don't realize it. I have tried to be very intentional in sharing the gospel with our girls in a very real way recently. I remember talking with them this week while reading a book about Jesus' birth the the star of Bethlehem that the wise men from the east followed to find Jesus. They know full well who Baby Jesus is and that He's important. We were talking about Jesus and how he died on the cross when Rachel piped in and said Jesus didn't die. I think she knows full well that he lived and rose again, but that he died completely in order to offer Himself as a living sacrifice is a little beyond her. I think she loves Jesus and knows He loves her. I pray that someday soon she will trust Christ and welcome Him into her heart.

A couple years ago, our church went through a series for the whole church to learn about what the gospel is and how to share your testimony. We were even teaching our Junior High students how they can share their own testimony. We spent several weeks going through their testimonies by asking specific questions for them to answer and showing them that these questions are having them spell our their testimony. This testimony is the best way to share Christ with others. The hard part for me is actually telling people my testimony. It's not that I don't know what my testimony is, but it feels like it's uninteresting (which ironically enough we told the students that everyone's testimony is unique to them and important). -Testimony to follow at the end.

Onward in a sort of straight line- I want to be able to share the gospel with others, but I'm afraid their going to say, yea, I know that, or I'm a Christian (so I'll quit bugging them or because that's what most people say), or being completely comfortable knowing that all I have to do is tell them the Gospel or my testimony through the Gospel and leave the results up to God. I love the quote by the head coach in Facing the Giants " I've resolved to give God everything I've got. Then I'll leave the results up to Him." I just don't think I can be comfortable in letting God do the work. I have such a hard time letting God work in my life. I've decided too many times that I've got to do everything myself or it just won't get done, or at least done the way I want it done. I've been trying to let the girls choose some things on their own, knowing they don't matter, like picking out their clothes. I give them some parameters like it must be pants and long sleeves, but I try to let it go even if it doesn't match. It's a hard thing to let your kids not match, but it's even harder for me to let go of the idea that someone's salvation depends on whether I deliver the gospel in the right way or not. The good news is, it's not up to me. I'm just the vessel God chooses to tell others about Christ (if I choose to obey) and what He did on the cross to save the world from sin. Only the Holy Spirit can save a person by working in their lives.

Have I mentioned I have a hard time letting go? I think of the lovely movie with Bill Murray "What About Bob?". I just have to take baby steps. Not sure how straight that was, but I tried to stay on point with just a few side notes.

Okay, I promised my testimony.

As I said earlier, I've been in church since conception. My father was in seminary when I was born and was soon given a job at his first church. It was at this church that I accepted Christ as my savior. Throughout my youth I continued to learn more about what it meant to be a Christian and other pieces of history in the Bible. I fully believed that I needed God, but being the strong-willed stubborn child that I was, I chose to not listen or disobey in late adolescence. Thankfully, I came to my senses about the time I turned 20. I met this great guy (my husband) during my freshman year that really challenged me and asked me some hard questions that I should have known the answers to. I learned a lot by questioning my actions and beliefs and had to know first hand what the Bible had to say about all of this. I learned quickly that I didn't really know much about the Bible I claimed to believe was true and desired to learn as much as I could. This led me to a great church that we still attend, were married in, and treasure dearly. It also led to some great relationships and a great sense of awe in who God is. No matter how much I try to learn, I will never be able to fully comprehend God because of my humanness. I'm so thankful that Jesus, Emmanuel, I Am, was sent to earth to fulfill the Law that we may have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10). Jesus was born as a baby, lived a perfect life (For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God-Romans 3:23), died on the cross as the sacrificial lamb of God, was buried, and was resurrected 3 days later conquering the power of sin and paying the price for our sins (For the wages of sin is death-Romans 6:23a). I am far from a perfect person living a perfect life, but I thank God that my sin (past, present, and future) has been paid for and I look forward to the day when either Jesus returns or calls me to heaven that I may be made perfect in Him.

Blogs and friends

Over the past couple years of doing my blog, I've felt that this blog hasn't really been an efficient way to communicate to others what sorts of things are going on in our lives. Pretty sure I've had less than 10 comments total. Maybe even less than 5. Today I discovered that someone actually reads what I write, and I'd like to say "Thank You."

When I was in high school I thought I knew how to write a paper. I did fairly well in English and had a teacher that I loved. It's a good thing too, since I had her 3 times! I also felt that she taught us how to use MLA formatting in papers. Sadly, I didn't do very well on papers in college and discovered how poorly I communicated my thoughts on paper. I say all of this to let you know how difficult it is to write a blog. I try too hard to make it this fun cool thing with a theme. I tried early on to make all my posts start with the same letter. Needless to say, my life has become extremely busy between a husband, 2 jobs, 3 kids, a house, church and family responsibilities, and chores that never end. I just don't have time to be cute.

I try very hard to be candid without writing things that may be taboo for certain people. At some point, when I was very down and out, I created a completely secret blog that no one would be able to find simply for the sake of writing exactly what I felt without having to be sensitive to those who might read it. In any case, thanks for reading my mundane, boring tales of all the happenings in a regular boring life. I suppose I should thank God for my life being boring instead of the many trials and tribulations of this life we could be facing!

Family Update

Last week, Rachel and Julia went to the doctor for their 4 year and 2 month well visits respectively. I must say, I have never waited in our doctor's office quite like we did that day. We were there for an hour and a half. It was ridiculous. It wouldn't be so bad if we hadn't known that they didn't have much staff present, but they also had very few patients there when we were there. We waited for more than 15-20 minutes for the medical assistant to come give Rachel 2 shots and Julia 3 shots.

Rachel was being fairly uncooperative as usual. The doctor asked her several questions that she wouldn't answer and flipped out if he came near her. She was fine once she was convinced he wasn't going to hurt her.

Julia did well after they measured her because she was hungry, but thankfully we had time to wait until the doctor got there for her to eat and Rachel also went first.

I'm not really sure about Rachel's measurements because they are off from where she's been the past 3 years, but here they are:

Rachel at 4 is 41 1/4" (80%) and 34 pounds (40%)

Julia at 2 months is 24 3/4" (97%) and 13 pounds 7.5 ounces (90%)

To give you an idea of how Julia compares to the other girls, here are the stats for them at 2 months:

Rachel: 23 1/2" and 11 lbs 6 oz

Rebekah: 23 1/2" and 11 lbs 13 oz

In other words...she's HUGE!!!

This weekend was my birthday and all 3 girls spent the weekend with Nana and Papa! We also had a party, went out to eat, slept in, and got plenty of things done. It was probably one of the best birthdays ever!

Here's pictures of all the girls about the same age.

Working Mom Guilt

Taking care of 3 girls is very different than taking care of 2 girls. Over the past 2 years I have been a substitute nurse for Rockwall ISD, where Jeff works. It has been a great joy being able to work 1-2 days a week on an as needed basis. After the year was over I had talked with my boss about not coming back until January since I would be having a baby at the beginning of school. A few weeks into school I talked with one of the nurses I work for regularly and found out there are only 4 substitute nurses available in district. Since that time I had gotten several emails and a couple phone calls regarding working for a few different nurses. Feeling the need to help out, I took a job 1 1/2 weeks ago and thoroughly enjoyed being at school, surrounded by adults and kids who speak in full clear sentences most of the time. It was so great to be back working again. It was hard for me to imagine that I had left my 2 month old for a whole day already. When I started working 2 years ago, Rebekah was only 10 months old, but she was eating more solid foods. The idea that I was willing to leave my 2 month old behind 1 day a week kind of scare me.

I have a mental struggle going on in my head. It's hard to decide who's winning and where the statements are coming from. I fully understand that God has blessed our family with 3 lovely children who need attention and care and discipline and instruction to know what is right or wrong and why. I know that I have been charged with these blessings to raise them in the wisdom and instruction of the Lord. I also know that I go completely stir crazy sitting at home because I feel all I do on a daily basis is feed the kids and correct/guide them all day long. I really like how Michelle Duggar is so candid in their first book "The Duggars: 20 and Counting!" as she tells of times where she felt she went through her day doing nothing but correcting and disciplining her children. Well, I am right there. I know that if I am not consistent or am harder on one child than the other, they might resent me later in life. When you have an EXTREMELY stubborn child who has a hard time calming herself down, it makes life very difficult, especially when she throws a fit/gets into trouble while I'm nursing the baby.

Okay, so this mental struggle has 3 parts: 1)knowing I'm supposed to care for my kids as God has called me to do, 2)being completely frustrated, depressed and desperate to get away from my kids, and 3)wanting to work because I absolutely love what I do, even if I don't start IVs, give shots, save lives, or bring new ones into the world. I relish the days I get to work and the whole way home I become anxious to tell someone about the day I had. Even if I have a parent gripe for some unknown reason, work is still fantastic. Here enlies the GUILT! Because of reason 1, I feel SO guilty that I want to work. I think it helps my mood, my kids enjoy visiting with their grandparents, it keeps my brain working and thinking about things I was taught several years ago, and I get to talk to adults in the real world.

Even though I am involved in a Bible study and we go to church most Sundays, I don't really feel like I get to have real adult conversation about life. Most Sundays you say hi to people as you pass by and some might ask how you're doing, but most won't ask any follow up questions. I usually answer truthfully. "Okay" in my book isn't great or good, but it's also not terrible. If I answer "Fine" it's usually because I am "Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional" (taken from the new version of "The Italian Job." How many people will notice if I say something out of the ordinary.

Hopefully I can figure out what God is calling me to do soon. There are a few opportunities for me to find out how much I want to work and I hope we can figure out what is best for our family. The girls are getting bigger. Rachel just turned 4 and is so grown up. :( We went for a run this evening and had to make her go inside. I think we'll start her in soccer pretty soon. Rebekah is a terror, and when I say terror, I mean wild and crazy and into everything she's not supposed to be in. She can be very helpful and is growing up, but the child has a 6-pack! She's crazy strong and built like her mom! She's 2 1/2 and I feel every minute of it. Julia is 10 weeks/2 months old now. She's getting so big! She's tall like her biggest sister. She's in 6 month clothes and can wear some 9 month, but it's mostly because the cloth diapers take up extra room. Hopefully we will go to the doctor this week for our 4 year and 2 month check ups and we'll know more specifically how big these girls are!

A couple pictures for you!

Hair

Most of my life I have never understood why people grow beards and boys/men rebel and grow their hair long and wear mohawks or spiked and other odd ways. Now if this is something you like and want to do or let your kids do, then so be it, but my personal preference to have guys have short hair and clean shaven.

Today I was skimming the headlines on People and saw some comment about a football player's hair, so I clicked on it. On that page was a quiz on how people preferred the hair on different people who are famous. Out of curiosity, I started the quiz. Though I didn't know half the people on the quiz, I started to notice something. With the exception of 2-3 stars, greater than 90% of people "preferred" the men either clean shaven, short-haired, or a more natural look rather than beards, long hair, or hair with lots of product in it. After realizing the trend I was more paying attention to the results rather than what I was voting for.

Considering the rebellion of young people and our culture today of crazy rock stars and wild lifestyles, I was extremely shocked at the preference for the clean shaven. I have been noticing that since Troy Polamalu hair has become famous on the football field that a large number of linemen and defensive players have been growing their hair long. I'm not sure if this has to do with Polamalu or if it's simply superstition to not cut their hair on a winning streak, but it doesn't look good. Even the white guys are growing it long and they look just plain silly. Of course I don't understand how they could stand wearing a helmet with stubble on their faces either, but to each his own. What happened to QBs being the cute guys with a clean face and short hair? Have they made way for the bearded face of Ben Roethlisberger. Maybe Favre started it all with his short stubble and others have taken it further. I just don't like it.

Thank goodness it's Friday! That means I get to watch football for the next 3 days! Although, I doubt we'll go to the homecoming game tonight. The homecoming parade last night was exhausting enough! Go Yellowjackets! Beat the Scots!

8 Years Ago

8 years ago today, my brother, David Allen Hollowell, died at the age of 18 from cancer complications. He was a great young man with lots of potential. There are so many things about his life that I wish I could have seen played out over the years since he died, but God had other plans. One of my few good memories of the day he died was when my young cousin Ethan said to his mom, "David gets to worship with Jesus today." He died early on a Sunday morning before the sun had come up. I didn't sleep at all during the night because I stayed up talking with one of David's best friends discussing faith, life, and how things would be different when David was gone. I was supposed to be on a rotation with my parents to stay up with David, who hadn't really been awake in more than 24 hours. I watched his oxygen saturation steadily go down over a few hours. Eventually my parents woke up and they called the hospice nurse to let her know how low his numbers were. Some family and friends had been called to let them know how he was and they came and left, and came again. It was so hard seeing him die in need of oxygen and his heart pumping so hard to help, but it just ran out of steam.

There were some very important people there that day. Trent Futral, who stayed up with me so my parents could sleep and talked with me about David, his impact on his life, and the legacy he would be leaving behind. Stephanie Wilson (Pool) was there to hide my face in her shoulder as they took my brother out of the house to the funeral home. My best friend, Kara Van Dine drove in with my now husband, Jeff as soon as they heard. Jeff even got pulled over for speeding if you can believe it. When they got there, I just laid down to rest in a living room chair and was about to fall asleep. My 2nd mom from high school asked if I needed any food, and I gave her 2-3 dishes that I was dying to eat, since I was tired of eating Brookshire's fried chicken. I refuse to eat fried chicken with bones in it from any grocery store to this day. We literally received 4-5 boxes in 1 day. My aunt, uncle, and cousins came.

In the weeks leading up to and following David's death, there were so many people who were instrumental in helping us cope with the loss. David was on the area youth counsel (CYF-C) and they had gone to a Mercy Me concert and bought a shirt for David that they later brought to the hospital. I wore that shirt just 2 months ago and thought of them and their generosity towards their brother.

In some ways it seems like it was a lifetime ago because so much has happened since he died, but to think that it was only 8 years ago feels like maybe I missed something important. My parents have been amazing and have grieved well. I'm not sure I grieved well because I hate crying. I cry very easily, but I dislike it so much I fight it with every fiber of my being most days. When I do allow myself to cry, I'll just cry for a long time, like tonight, which is why I got up to blog about it. I don't mind talking about David and who he was and that he died, leaving me as an only child. I usually tell people that the one thing that always upsets me and makes me cry is that when we were younger, our parents would tell us we had to get along because when we got older, we'd only have each other to lean on when our parents died. Now I only have my husband. It makes me cry every time, no matter what. Our children will know who is was and that he's their uncle. We still have some of his things and my mom gave me a picture of us when we were little that's on our fridge, and there's a picture of him and my dad on prom night hanging on the wall. They get told it's Uncle David. I don't think they understand, but they will someday.

I guess I should go get some sleep on the off-chance that I have a baby in the next 24 hours.

RIP David Allen Hollowell

July 18, 1985-August 3, 2003

Forgotten Website

It's been way too long since writing on this blog. So much has happened and much has changed. Rachel is almost 3 1/2 and Rebekah just turned 2 last week. I had great intentions of blogging about our great travels in Northern Wisconsin and Illinois, but alas, I never got to it. Christmas even came and went without us sending out Christmas cards. Please don't think you've been barred from our list, because no one on our list got to feel special this year.

I have been working as a substitute for Rockwall ISD as a nurse, which I have thoroughly enjoyed. I also became a Scentsy Independent Consultant and was doing pretty well until after Christmas. No one has even asked me about Scentsy since more than a week before Christmas. I've also been keeping busy with the girls, our Junior High group at church, and getting in full swing planning Vacation Bible School this summer as one of the directors again.

Jeff is at the end of soccer season, which has gone really well. His JV team might win district or maybe win 2nd place, but no one's really keeping up, so we don't have the full scoop. The Varsity will win 3rd place in district and go to the playoffs. The girls team secured the district win last week and will get to play back to back games at the same stadium for the first round of playoffs. Should be exciting to watch next Friday.

The girls are growing like weeds. Rachel decided to skip the terrible two's and make it the terrible three's instead. Rebekah has been slow to learn her words, so it has been a little frustrating trying to get her to communicate with us. Didn't you know I don't speak wailing? Why a 2 year old thinks I know what she wants just by her standing there crying at me I'll never know. Rebekah has always seemed so short in comparison to Rachel, but when I measured them recently on our closet wall, Bekah is within 1/4 of an inch of how tall Rachel was at the exact age. Not sure if her growing trend will continue, but we shall see. Rachel seems much more involved in knowing how everything works and pretty coordinated/athletic. Rebekah is looking like she might be our clumsy child that is more artsy than athletic. She does love to dance, so maybe a few years in dance classes will teach her some coordination and grace.

Over Christmas we got the joy of telling our families that we are expecting our third child in August. For the first time in my pregnancies I actually had morning sickness. I threw up almost daily for a time and couldn't eat much food at a time. I also had limited types of food that would go down well. Sugar smelled really bad, so I didn't eat any over the Christmas holidays. It was very tough. Thankfully I'm about halfway through the pregnancy and starting to feel pretty good. I have been congested through most of the pregnancy and definitely even more tired the 3rd time around than even the 2nd pregnancy. We are very excited about our impending addition. We haven't decided yet if we want to know if we're having a boy or a girl. Our sonogram is the first week of April, so we have until then to decide. We are excited about giving birth at a nearby birthing center this time. We've always wanted to go this way but we didn't know how my body would function with labor and delivery. Since I was able to have 2 natural births in the hospital, we are confident that everything will go smoothly, and if not, we have options.